ABDPBT » lists

14 Things To Do If You Want People To Start Thinking You’re Hiding Something

anna — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 07:00:04 +0000

Season your answers to seemingly innocuous questions with a liberal dose of emphatic nodding.

Make an appearance on Oprah in which you punctuate your declaration of undying love by jumping on a couch.

After said appearance on Oprah, forbid anyone from replaying the recording of the appearance on any other media outlet ever again.

Start dating Courtney Love.

Retain Gloria Allred. For anything.

Instruct Arthur Andersen to shred a bunch of documents in the middle of an audit.

Order a hightop sneakers, black sweatsuits and Kool-Aid in bulk.

Agree to appear on Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew, and then spend the entire season wearing sunglasses and an Ed Hardy hat. Even at night.

Organize a group of people to stand around your backyard with shovels, while chanting things like, “MOVE ALONG, NOW!” or “NOTHING TO SEE HERE!”

Crash into a tree right outside of your house and then refuse to talk about it to anybody for weeks.

Sue anyone for writing anything about your “religion,” negative or positive, especially when your “religion” involves going to another planet on a spaceship after the Apocalypse.

Start talking to your agent about getting on the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

Call (one of) the cocktail waitress(es) you’ve been sleeping with and tell her to change her answering message to a recorded voice “just in case.”

Arrange for Al Cowlings to drive you to the airport in a white Ford Bronco.

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

Write a “list” post on your blog.
Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
<a href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148" mce_href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148"></a>
Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

"14 Things To Do If You Want People To Start Thinking You’re Hiding Something” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on March 08, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

22 Ways To Make The Winter Olympics Even Less Significant

anna — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 07:01:44 +0000

Put NBC in charge of the American television coverage.
Make sure NBC tapes the events, rather than showing them live.
That way, everyone will already know what happens before they actually see any of the events.
Also, when NBC does finally start showing events, make sure they have a stupid highlight reel that they run first.
That way, anyone who has somehow managed to avoid hearing who won medals by that time will still have a shot at figuring it out before they actually see the competition.
Use four Canadians Of Note in the Opening Ceremonies.
Make sure two of the four Canadians Of Note are not notable by anyone for anything outside of Canada.
Make sure none of the four Canadians Of Note are comedians.
Make sure that one of the Canadians Of Note is an NBA basketball star who now lives in the United States full time.
If you can, figure out a way to involve a pickup truck in the ceremonial lighting of the Olympic torch.
If you can, make sure it’s an American pickup truck.
Hold the games in a place where it doesn’t snow.
If possible, locate a place to hold the games where — not only does it not snow — but also it’s not even cold enough to keep manufactured and/or trucked-in snow frozen.
Act surprised that temperatures are in the sixties and raining in said locale in February.
When “experts” trot out statistics that show that it is always in the sixties and raining during February in said locale, use this as a springboard for a discussion of the merits of a universal adoption of the metric system.
Paint the ski slopes with blue lines going across them for no immediately apparent reason.
Make it difficult for anybody to figure out the purpose of the blue paint on the ski slopes.
Force skiers and snowboarders to sit outside in oversized white bean bags while their competitors are completing their runs.
Create a luge track that is so frighteningly twisty and poorly engineered that even the (notoriously crazy) people who participate in luge have taken to referring to it as “Death Alley.”
When somebody dies as a result of your crazy track with cement pole death traps situated around it, blame it on “athlete error” and put up a few mats and extra barriers.
Avoid using using American-made Zambonis to smooth out ice in between skating events, even though everybody in the world knows they are the best and uses them, and opt instead to use the Canadian brand, Olympia, which will break down and delay events by hours, resulting in poor publicity for both the winter games and the ice resurfacing brand.
Steadfastly insist that it’s a sport called “curling,” when everyone can see that it’s just bowling on ice.

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

Write a “list” post on your blog.
Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
<a href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148" mce_href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148"></a>
Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

"22 Ways To Make The Winter Olympics Even Less Significant” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on March 01, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

29 Things That Happened And Or That I Found Out Last Weekend, In No Particular Order, Most Of Which Will Likely Be Elaborated Upon At Length Later, Once I’ve Had Some Sleep

anna — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 07:01:34 +0000

I ate lunch at the same table as a Czar and the mayor of Martindale, Texas.

Gabrielle Blair (Design Mom) is very funny and extremely smart. She’s somebody to watch if you’re looking for models of how to make money in the mommy blogosphere (I will elaborate on this later.) Also, she has pretty stuff on her website.

Maggie Mason (Mighty Girl) is partners in a business of some kind with either Laura Mayes or Carrie Pacini, or both. I know this because I overheard her tell Alice Bradley (Finslippy) that her placement on the 16th floor of the conference hotel (as opposed to the 6th floor, where Alice Bradley was staying) is “what happens when you’re business partners with the person who is organizing the conference.”

Peculiarly, I was upgraded to a suite on the 18th floor, and am pretty sure I have no business ties to anybody involved in organizing the Mom 2.0 Summit.

Heather Armstrong and Dooce are not always necessarily the same person/thing/entity.

I know this is true is because, during the keynote panel Heather Armstrong told the conference that people read blogs because they care about “the character [we, the bloggers, have] created,” as if to suggest that the person who writes the story is not exactly the same as the person who appears in the story, but nobody can be totally sure where this ‘character’ begins or ends from the outside.

Strangely enough, this dovetails with the discovery of a Master’s Thesis about mommyblogging that is currently being discussed by mommybloggers (some of whom are discussed in the thesis itself) on Twitter under the hashtag #creepythesis. I am still reading the #creepythesis and will look back on it later.

The slippage between real person and person in media is not unlike what happens with reality TV, I suppose. Except bloggers get to edit themselves. Some people do it better than others, and some people do it more often than others. Some people need to do it more often in person.

I have found this disconnect between the in-person person and the online person, generally speaking, to be true of most people whom I’ve met online and then met in person, both in blogging and during the time when I was online dating.

The disconnect has as much to do with the expectations constructed by the reader as it does with the the writer.

The disconnect is more pronounced in some people than in others, and almost unnoticeable in a rare few. An example of someone who is almost exactly who I thought she would be in person, based on reading her blog is, is Rebecca Woolf (Girls Gone Child).

Alice Bradley also seems very much like her online persona, and is as funny in person as she is online. She also seems to be well-respected and liked by most everyone.

Similarly, Laura Mayes is as nice and impressive in person as everyone says . She also really coveted my dress at the Mad Men party, but honestly? who can blame her?

The same cannot be said for everybody in attendance this weekend.

The ecosystem of mommy blogging is plagued by the same problems as is any other corporate structure: there are hidden alliances and unacknowledged rivalries, jealousies, petty disagreements.

When considering these problems, I briefly debated whether I should write a book about all of them and title it, A Confederacy of Douches.

The problem with that idea, though, is that — unlike most corporate environments — the mommy blogosphere is also filled with real loyalties and friendships. And it’s not always clear which alliances are real friendships and which are strategic.

Because of this, you have to play your cards close to your chest when you are trying to figure these things out. You have to decide which is going to be your priority — making friends, or building a business. And then you must stick to that goal as much as you possibly can, even if it gets uncomfortable.

You have to try to act with integrity, even when it gets uncomfortable, or when other people fail to do likewise.

Especially if you are trying to do something new, people may become uncomfortable with you and what they think you are, and/or what you think they might do to their community.

That is OK, because you are not there to make friends (hat tip: Alisonofagun). You are there to get a picture of yourself with Heather Armstrong and a promotional HGTV bag.

The best way to get things done is to walk in the face of your fear and go up to people — Heather Armstrong, say — from whom you need information, acknowledge how awkward it is, that you and she have had your exchanges in the past, but assure her that you are not there to make things difficult for her. And then ask her for the information, even if you are kind of shaking while you are doing it.

What happens when you do that, is that she is relieved that this is all you want, and you are so happy that you managed to conquer your own fear, that you end up smiling like an idiot in the picture you convince her to take with you.

And that’s how you manage to walk away with the information, for example, that the HGTV show is 1) definitely a TV show, rather than a webisode or some other BS “convergence” thing like that (in this case, “convergence” just means that they want to hook into Dooce’s web audience); 2) that, even if Heather Armstrong can neither confirm nor deny that it is a reality show deal with HGTV (which in my mind means, yes, it’s a reality show, but I couldn’t get her to say yes or no), but that the nature of this show is “organic” and that “HGTV gets it,” that it is something that is likely to change and grow with her and her interests over time.

I think Dooce may have some kind of handler or PR person, either hired by herself or by HGTV. This is totally unsubstantiated conjecture based on somebody I saw talking to and with her this weekend, and I could be wrong.

Blissfully Domestic, and/or Blissdom, and/or the Bliss Empire is starting an ad network.

While Target does not have direct editorial control over the content of Momversation, they do have some input on the choice of topics and the choice of the bloggers originally chosen to participate. These decisions were made on the basis of traffic and ability to cover certain demographics such as race and marital status. Of course, we already knew this, but the suspicion was confirmed by Rob Morhaim, who produces Momversation.

Sometimes you can tell somebody’s character by the smallest of actions, and even if you want to give somebody the benefit of the doubt, it pays to remember these instances. For example, some of the things I’ve witnessed recently that I’m noting for later: 1) cutting in front of a line of people waiting to get food or drinks at a function; 2) talking behind the backs of ostensible friends via direct message or other private conversation; 3) agreeing to plans and then flaking when a better offer comes along; 4) recoiling in horror instead of just facing fear; 5) letting the actions or attitudes of others be your only guiding principle in your perception of people’s worth. I am wary of doing business with people who engage in those behaviors.

If you’re ever at a conference and they’re giving away toys that you just know your 2 year old is going to love, resist the urge to show him the toy on Skype when you’re still away from home, because he will want the toy right then, and might wake up in the middle of the night screaming for the toy, and this tends to make your spouse — who has been left home alone with the two year old — a little frustrated.

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

Write a “list” post on your blog.
Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
<a href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148" mce_href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148"></a>
Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

"29 Things That Happened And Or That I Found Out Last Weekend, In No Particular Order, Most Of Which Will Likely Be Elaborated Upon At Length Later, Once I’ve Had Some Sleep” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on February 22, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

18. Worst. Cartoon. Character. Catchphrases. Ever.

anna — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 07:02:12 +0000

“Traintastic!” (Koko, Chuggington)
“Oh, man!” (Swiper T. Fox, Dora The Explorer)
“Eat my shorts!” (Bart, The Simpsons)
“He’s a bossy boiler!” (Percy, Thomas & Friends)
“Fire! Fire!” (Beavis and/or Butthead, Beavis & Butthead)
“Okay, gang. Let’s split up and search for clues.” (Freddie, Scooby Doo)
“That wasn’t supposed to happen.” (Widget, Wow Wow Wubbzy!)
“Uh, I think so,” in response to the question, “Can we fix it?” (Lofty the Crane, Bob the Builder)
“This is sewious!” (Ming-Ming, The Wonder Pets)
“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” (Villain, Scooby Doo)
“Don’t have a cow, man.” (Bart, The Simpsons)
“You have caused confusion and delay!” (Sir Topham Hat, Thomas & Friends)
“¡Ayúdame! ¡Ayúuuuuuuudame!” (Any Endangered Species In Distress, Go, Diego, Go!)
“¡Ay, caramba!” (Bart, The Simpsons)
“Good grief!” (Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown)
“Cinders and Ashes!” (Thomas, Thomas & Friends)
“Heh heh.” (Beavis and/or Butthead, Beavis & Butthead)
“That’s all, folks!” (Porky the Pig, Looney Tunes)

Check out these list lovers:

"18. Worst. Cartoon. Character. Catchphrases. Ever.” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on February 08, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

15 Jokes About The iPad I’m Apparently Not Too Mature To Make

anna — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 08:00:35 +0000

iPad: It Doesn’t Have Wings, But Then It Doesn’t Have A Keyboard, Either.
iPad: Because you’re too male to use a tampon.
Good news: even virgins can use iPads!
Don’t be embarrassed if you’re the first one in your class to get an iPad. Everybody matures at their own speed.
iPad: Because Who Isn’t Scared Shitless Of Getting Toxic Shock Syndrome From A Kindle?
The iPad comes in three memory sizes: 16GB, 32GB, and the 64GB for heavy flow days.
The iPad works for ten hours or overnight!
The iPad is slim and lightweight, and you can even swim with it!
Scratch that last one, you probably shouldn’t try swimming with it. Just to be safe.
Nobody will know when you’re using your iPad, that’s how discreet it is!
Anxious about getting your first iPad? Write away for this free iPad starter kit from Kimberly-Clark.
You might find your iPad use to be irregular at first, but if you keep track of it in a calendar, you’ll eventually see a pattern emerging.
The iPad: Jon Armstrong Is An Enthusiastic Supporter Of It And Plans To Get One. Soon. o
Are you there, God? It’s me, iPad.
If you spend a lot of time with your good girlfriends, you’ll find that you all start using your iPads at the same time.

Check out these list lovers:

"15 Jokes About The iPad I’m Apparently Not Too Mature To Make” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on February 01, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

Lesser-Known Stipulations Of The Brangelina Dissolution Of Non-Marriage

anna — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 08:00:46 +0000

The commonly expression BRANGELINA shall heretofore cease to exist as a legally usable moniker, except where it is licensed to do so with express written permission from the PARTIES, who shall hereafter be known as BRAN and GELINA, two separate and distinct legal entities.

Any real person known to be still using the moniker BRANGELINA without express written permission shall be unceremoniously uninvited to any and all present or future staged pictorial opportunities of the NEW MODERN FAMILY as they see fit to define it, publicly and off the cuff, by the parties BRAN and GELINA, and their PROGENY.

From this date going forward, all of BRAN’s adoptive prospects shall be confined to the northern hemisphere; GELINA’s adoptive prospects shall heretofore be taken exclusively from the southern hemisphere.

The PARTIES shall share joint custody of both the PROGENY and the NEW MODERN FAMILY as they see fit to define it, publicly and off the cuff; however, the PROGENY shall reside full time with GELINA.

BRAN shall retain sole physical and legal custody of Messrs. CLOONEY, DAMON, and SODERBERGH, along with all associated ENTOURAGE MEMBERS, HANGERS-ON, and the OCEANS ELEVENTY BILLION FRANCHISE.

In the event of a pairing of Mr. CLOONEY with GELINA in a movie, both PARTIES hereby acknowledge that all bets are off, for both the PROGENY and the integrity of the NEW MODERN FAMILY, ENTOURAGE MEMBERS, HANGERS-ON, and the OCEANS ELEVENTY BILLION FRANCHISE.

GELINA hereby agrees to support BRAN in all current and future attempts at winning the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE DESIGNATION.

In exchange, BRAN agrees never to force GELINA to live in New Orleans ever, ever again.

All sundry vials of blood shall be returned to their rightful bodily owners.

Both of the PARTIES have agreed to continue to shun JON VOIGHT indefinitely, since they agree he is pretty much BAT ASS CRAZY.

THE ADORING PUBLIC agrees to continue to support the PUBLICITY CHARADE that the non-marriage now being legally dissolved was started under completely legitimate and non-morally reprehensible circumstances; furthermore, THE ADORING PUBLIC asserts that GELINA is not a homewrecker, and BRAN is not a philanderer.

Similarly, THE ADORING PUBLIC agrees to continue to support THE BAT ASS CRAZY IDEA that six is too many kids to be under the guidance of two OVERSEXED AND AGING ADOLESCENTS, however breathtakingly beautiful they both might be.

Check out these list lovers:

"Lesser-Known Stipulations Of The Brangelina Dissolution Of Non-Marriage” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on January 25, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

23 Reasons You Can Suck It, Jay Leno

anna — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 08:00:55 +0000

You’re not funny.
You’ve never been funny.
You’ve only been on TV this long because you weaseled the job away from Dave after Johnny Carson, and had a time slot hit after the eleven o’clock news.
Generation X does not watch the eleven o’clock news.
Generation Y does not even know that news on TV is an option.
Baby Boomers are too old to stay up past ten.
You only got this job in the first place because you’re a whiner.
You only won the time slot because Hugh Grant decided to talk about being blown by hookers on your show before Dave’s.
As a policy, people who make a career of pandering to mediocrity should be unceremoniously shot.
When somebody tells you to quit, you should just effing quit and not be such a damn drama queen.
Not only did you ruin Conan’s gig, you also ruined the 10 o’clock NBC drama hour.
Who will cry for Southland? Not Jay Leno!
Not only did you make a crappy show, but you gave people no good reason to stay up to see Conan.
You weren’t even good in those stupid Dorito ads in the 80s. And I love Doritos!
Your chin is distractingly HUGE.
No woman with a chin that size would ever be allowed to be on TV, much less as a late night TV host.
Why are you contributing to the subjugation of women, Jay Leno?
Conan is a Harvard graduate. Magna cum laude.
HARVARD!
We all know you haven’t spent any of the Tonight Show money. Thus, NBC is not only paying somebody who is not funny to be on TV, but is also paying an unfunny person who is already richer than the network to be on TV.
You don’t reward somebody for having abysmal reviews when moved to a new time slot. You fire them.
Seriously. I’ve already been through this with you once, Jay Leno. Get lost.
And don’t make me come over there.

Check out these list lovers:

"23 Reasons You Can Suck It, Jay Leno” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on January 18, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

17 Questions I Was Too Embarrassed To Ask Six Years Ago

anna — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 08:00:44 +0000

Why are Asian people in Beverly Hills wearing SARS masks all of a sudden?
Related: Are SARS and/or the wearing of SARS masks likely to take off in popularity here?
Is my roommate really working for a medical marijuana clearinghouse?
When is this whole superfluous fabric-flowers-on-clothing trend going to END already?
So this Desperate Housewives thing is here to stay, then?
Related: why would Tony Parker melt his NBA Championship Ring into a necklace for Eva Longoria, and engrave it with the words, “Pour mon ange?”
Did I forget to flush the toilet?
Is Radiohead a British band?
But “Hail to the Thief” — this is about Bush, right?
Why is Jason Schwartzman holding “business meetings” at the Bourgeois Pig?
Paris Hilton is dating that guy from the Backstreet Boys? Really?
Did you just say chocolate fountain?
Can I go running just one day without somebody asking me how to get to the Hollywood sign?
Justin Timberlake thinks Coldplay is the best band in the world?
Where was I when Jerry Bruckheimer took over the entire TV universe?
Related: Is the official story that Jorja Fox is a good actress?
“Just want to make you comma”? Hmroo?

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

Write a “list” post on your blog.
Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
<a href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148" mce_href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148"></a>
Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

"17 Questions I Was Too Embarrassed To Ask Six Years Ago” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on January 11, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

11 Ideas For The Rebranding Of Leftover Holiday Candy

anna — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 08:00:29 +0000

Arbor Day Peeps
Captain Jack Sparrow’s Hijacked Freighter Full Of Israeli Gelt
Gingerbread Spec Houses (Made From 100% Sustainable Materials!)
~~Tiger Woods At The Masters M&Ms~~
The Falcon And The Snowman Twenty-Five Year Anniversary DVD And Chocolate Gift Set
Clothing Hooks To Benefit Both AIDS Awareness and The Cannabis Liberation Front
Jerry Garcia Commemorative Hollowed Out Chocolate Figurine For Marijuana Ingestion
“I’m Dreaming Of A Jealous Valentine’s Day” Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Muno & Brobee’s Day Of Fun! Peanut And Plain M&M Combo Packs
Hershey’s New Moon Vampires In Need Of Dental Work Kisses
“Never Trust A Swiss Ho” Candy Pimp Canes
Chocolate Child Molesters In Red Suits

Check out these list lovers:

"11 Ideas For The Rebranding Of Leftover Holiday Candy” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on January 04, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.

23 Custom Toll-Free Phone Numbers That Raise More Questions Than They Answer

anna — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 08:00:58 +0000

1–800-PICK-ATT
1–800-BE-PETTY
1–800-WATER-DAMAGE
1–800-INJURYS [sic.]
1–800-MY-LEMON
1–800-RUNAWAY
1–800-BROWN4U
1–800-ASK-GARY
1–800-ZOMBIE
1–800-GOT-JUNK
1–800-GAMBLER
1–800-QUIT-NOW
1–800-PACK-RAT
1–800-START-OVER
1–800-PLASMAS
1–800-AUTOPSY
1–800-SUICIDE
1–800-GENOCIDE
1–800-GRANOLA
1–800-WEIRDOS
1–800-BETSOFF
1–800-COMPOST
1–800-BOARD-UP

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

Write a “list” post on your blog.
Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
<a href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148" mce_href="http://www.abdpbt.com/?cat=148"></a>
Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

"23 Custom Toll-Free Phone Numbers That Raise More Questions Than They Answer” was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on December 28, 2009. Copyright ®2009 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.00. All other rights reserved.