Beware The Taint Of March

Mr. Right-Click: Today is like, one of those days you just want to soak in, for when the summer comes.
Me: Oh yeah?
Mr. Right-Click: yeah, I love this weather!
Me: Yeah, it’s nice.
Mr. Right-Click: It was a tough day. But you know. I’m fighting.
Me: Were you perchance called a “taint-face” today? Because I was.
Mr. Right-Click: A what?
Me: Excuse me. A “linkbait taint-face.”
Mr. Right-Click: What is –
Me: LBTF, for short.
Mr. Right-Click: What is a “taint”?
Me: — because I seem to like “random consonants strung together.”
Mr. Right-Click: What is a “taint”?
Me: The “taint” is the part of the body located in between the anus and the genitalia —
Mr. Right-Click: [Laughing]
Me: — so called, as you might have guessed, because “itain’t the ass, and itain’t the genitals” –
Mr. Right-Click: [Laughing]
Me: Yeah.
Mr. Right-Click: But that’s, you cannot even get upset about that one —
Me: Well …
Mr. Right-Click: Did you have to look it up?
Me: Strangely enough, no.
Mr. Right-Click: So there’s that …
Me: I’m a driver, I’m a winner, things are going to change, I can feel it …

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14 Things To Do If You Want People To Start Thinking You’re Hiding Something

  1. Season your answers to seemingly innocuous questions with a liberal dose of emphatic nodding.

  2. Make an appearance on Oprah in which you punctuate your declaration of undying love by jumping on a couch.

  3. After said appearance on Oprah, forbid anyone from replaying the recording of the appearance on any other media outlet ever again.

  4. Start dating Courtney Love.

  5. Retain Gloria Allred. For anything.

  6. Instruct Arthur Andersen to shred a bunch of documents in the middle of an audit.

  7. Order a hightop sneakers, black sweatsuits and Kool-Aid in bulk.

  8. Agree to appear on Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew, and then spend the entire season wearing sunglasses and an Ed Hardy hat. Even at night.

  9. Organize a group of people to stand around your backyard with shovels, while chanting things like, “MOVE ALONG, NOW!” or “NOTHING TO SEE HERE!”

  10. Crash into a tree right outside of your house and then refuse to talk about it to anybody for weeks.

  11. Sue anyone for writing anything about your “religion,” negative or positive, especially when your “religion” involves going to another planet on a spaceship after the Apocalypse.

  12. Start talking to your agent about getting on the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

  13. Call (one of) the cocktail waitress(es) you’ve been sleeping with and tell her to change her answering message to a recorded voice “just in case.”

  14. Arrange for Al Cowlings to drive you to the airport in a white Ford Bronco.

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Check out these list lovers:

  1. Five Things To Include In Your Blog’s Media Kit | ABDPBT Personal Finance
  2. 3 Things I Learned From The Social Media Cheatsheet | ABDPBT Tech
  3. Alexis at The Well-Read Mom
  4. Heidi at The Maxwell’s Madness
  5. Ginger at Ramble Ramble
  6. Eliz at Tink’s Mom Dot Com
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