10 Ideas for Making the Holidays Cheaper and Easier That Don’t Involve Giving Your Friends and Family Gifts They Will Immediately Throw Away

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Well, I guess it’s official now: the economy is truly in the shitter. How do I know this, you ask? Because this year, Oprah’s annual “Favorite Things” show featured gift ideas that “cost next to nothing!” Yeah. I’m not sure, but I think that might be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

How about the studio audience on that day–you know they were like, “Oh man, we’re stoked! WAIT. WAIT. WAIT JUST A SECOND.” What a serious bummer. “YOU get a shoebox covered in ribbon and pinecones! YOU get a shoebox covered in ribbon and pinecones! YOU get a shoebox covered in ribbon and pinecones!” Somehow it’s not as catchy a phrase when she’s handing out boxes full of index cards. Even if the messages inside are truly heartfelt. Yeah, I mean I watched the show and everything, but frankly I found the ideas piss-poor. And Harpo is usually so on top of things, but they really dropped the ball this year, I think–even with the reader submissions. I mean, included among these “great money saving ideas” was a woman who had put together keepsake boxes for her kids that included–wait for it–pieces of carpet from their old rooms. Umm. OK. I’m all for memory keepsakes, and clearly the mother who submitted this idea totally adores her children. But old carpet? YUCK.

But yeah, Oprah’s smart. She didn’t really have a choice–this is not the year to give away tens of thousands of dollars of free merchandise in exchange for product placement. This is the year to try to get saner about the holidays. It’s been coming a long time, and in my mind it doesn’t have to mean trolling your closets for different recycled items to give away. Let’s face it, if you think it’s trash, it’s probably going to be considered trash by your friends. I mean, a nice engraved box full of notes from your friends is great, because it’s got the sentiment and it’s in a nice keepsake box that you can keep on your shelf. But a shoebox? You can cover it in the fanciest ribbon, straight from Mokuba in New York City, and it’s still going to end up in their trash. It just is. It’s more clutter, and nobody needs more STUFF like that taking up room in their house. What I’m saying is this: old used shit that you don’t want? When you wrap it up in paper from Costco? Just becomes somebody else’s old used shit that they don’t want.

I mean, THINK, people. The holidays without gratuitous overspending requires us to think, not to glue-gun. I mean, I have no problem wrong with glue-gunning, and I’m prone to doing quite a bit of it myself. But we don’t have to glue-gun all our gifts just because we want to spend less money. Oh, and by the way, as anyone who regularly does crafts can tell you–these so-called thrifty projects can often cost a lot of money if you don’t have all the supplies sitting around at home already. So, not only will you look like a cheapskate, you will also end up spending a buttload in order to do so. This is what happens when you go to someone who makes $200 million a year for thrifty holiday advice!

So let’s try to come up with realistic ideas for overhauling the holidays–some will work for you, others won’t, but let’s do each other a favor by steering clear of dumbass ideas that are just going to end up in somebody else’s trashcan.

1. Go giftless, or save gifts for just the little kids. Half of my extended family has taken on a “no gifts” policy for the past few years. My dream is that it will extend to the other half in years to come, but negotiations are delicate. We still get together and celebrate of course, we just don’t center the festivities around exchanging gifts. Our policy of no gifts excludes small children (there is only one–Mini–at this point, but I expect any young children who join the crew in the coming years will be included as well), who still receive presents. But the adults do not exchange gifts, which seems almost . . . shocking, at first. But the reality of it is, it is a huge relief. It saves so much time in shopping, and frankly, not only does it save the money that you have to spend on buying gifts, it really cuts down on clutter. Because some relationships that you have, particularly as you move into the second cousins and step-sibling’s girlfriends area, often result in gifts from the “bath product” category. And do you need any more bath products in your house? Probably not. And if you did, is it likely that this person you hardly know is going to pick out the kind you like? I doubt it.

   So if you can swing it, I highly recommend working out some kind of deal like this with your family. You have to come up with the best way to spin it to your family–emphasize togetherness, the overcommerciality of things, how you’re broke, whatever you think will work. You might suggest a stockings-only policy or something if they think it’s too radical to go cold turkey.

2. Choose names. Another way to handle the large/extended/step family situation is to do the thing where you draw a name out of a bag and that’s the one gift you have to buy for the holidays. I’ve been trying to do this for years with my family, but they won’t agree to it, unfortunately. If you do this, then each person only has one gift responsibility, and you can set a price limit if you want.

3. Set a price limit for gifts and stick to it. You can tell people ahead of time that you want a toned down holiday seasons, and see if they’ll agree to smaller gifts or a price limit. Sometimes you have to be the trailblazer in these kinds of situations. Sometimes you have to be willing to say, “Look, money is tight this year, so we are thinking about having a much more scaled down celebration this year.” Most people will appreciate this kind of honesty, especially when it saves them money. So be the brave one. Be the bold one. People will admire you for it, especially these days.

4. Wait until December 20th and later to buy gifts. Some of us will probably do this anyway, just out of sheer disorganization. But I hear talk that, this year, since the projections for Christmas season sales are so low, there should be plenty of deep discounts as Christmas gets closer and closer. This is probably not a foolproof plan, but it’s worth a try.

5. Consider alternative gifts that involve time rather than money. The old “gift coupon book” idea is one that you can recycle, although in my experience those coupon gifts never actually get used, and because of this they come across as bullshit when you give them. So what I would suggest is a more comprehensive approach–say you have a friend with a new baby. Make arrangements with her husband to take care of the baby for a specific night so they can get out of the house. Have a date already set up, make reservations for them, announce you are coming on that day. A similar tactic could be used for cleaning a friend’s house, doing their laundry, or any other kind of chore–again, have a specific time and day in mind when you offer. Other ideas include: organize a painting party for somebody who just moved into a new home or wants a redo; offer to petsit when your pet-loving friends go on vacation; offer your trade or skill as a gift if this is possible; or organize a dinner for a group of friends in lieu of gifts.

6. Look for stores that offer “price adjustments.” I once worked for a major American apparel conglomerate that owns three extremely well-known clothing store chains. The company–as is the case with many large chains–had a policy of offering price adjustments on items that go on sale up until two weeks after you purchase the item, provided you bring in your receipt to get the credit. I don’t know if the company still has this policy, or if it is still two weeks, but it is definitely worth your time to ask the return policy on every item you buy. If a store offers a price adjustment, then wait until a few days before Christmas to gifts from that store, save the receipts, and then go in the day after Christmas (which, yeah, sucks, but saving money is not for the faint of heart!) and get back like 20% on your purchase, since nearly everything goes on sale the day after Christmas.

7. Sell old stuff on Ebay, Craigslist, Amazon, and/or have a Yard Sale to pay for holiday gifts. This one still involves you spending money on gifts, but instead of having all the money come out of your budget or (horror) go on a credit card, commit to raising all of the money for your holiday gifts from selling old stuff. This way, it will feel like found money, and you won’t have to give anything up in order to give presents. But you need to limit yourself to the funds you raise, or else the plan goes out the window.

8. Commit to not using credit cards, no matter what you do. If you are really committing to a financially sane future, your freedom from credit cards is never more important than during the holiday season. So many people buy gifts on credit cards and then have to face the music when they get their bills in January. This year, be OK with letting the Joneses “win.” Don’t use your credit cards–if you still have them–for anything, whatever you do. If you make it through the holiday season with just one idea intact, this is a good one to choose.

9. Ruthlessly pare down your gift list. Sure, it’s nice to bake cookies for your neighbors, or buy your kids’ teachers Starbucks cards. I used to be a teacher, so I know I loved it when I got these little holiday tokens. But we don’t have all this extra money this year, and in my mind, the kindness of the gesture is compromised when it has become an obligation. As things are these days, we are going around giving each other things out of a sense of HAVING TO, and that ruins everything.

   So here’s my radical idea: let’s just stop, OK?

   That’s right, I’ll be the one to finally stand up and say it: FUCK THESE PERIPHERAL GIFT RECIPIENTS! I know it sounds heartless, and I have nothing against spreading holiday cheer in theory. But, wherever possible, you need to save the gifts for people who are truly a part of your day-to-day lives. Some of these people are just not going to make the list this year. Like your hairdresser, for example (You already tip them! They are not your employees, they are service providers, so no more Christmas bonuses! Stop the insanity!), bosses (again, they are supposed to give YOU a bonus, not the other way around), dog washer, dry cleaner, lawyer, broker, whateverthehell. Friends and family only, OK? And yeah, if you have a little extra and you feel like being generous, then fine, but bear in mind that this is how these kinds of things start: one person starts giving their hairdresser a Christmas gift, and then everyone feels like they have to. If you think that they’ll think you’re rude, here’s an idea: Wait until after the holidays are over to go in! But I’m guessing they won’t even notice, anyway.

10. Think big, give small. One of my best friends often gives small gifts, and they are always among the best I receive. She has given me large gifts on occasion, sure, but throughout the time I’ve known her, she’s always been a great gift giver because she figures out exactly what I would like when she goes shopping, and finds things I would never be able to find on my own. One time, she got me a stationery set made out of old New York City subway maps–not only was it green before green was cool, it probably only cost $10 or so. But it was an awesome gift. One time she got me just a magnet, but it was a magnet that had a lot of meaning because of a series of inside jokes that we had going on between us. The way I picture this friend shopping is that she is just always on the alert for things that would please her friends, rather than buying something that seems like “enough” for the occasion. It’s a great way to think about gift-giving in terms of quality and not quantity.

How about you guys? Do you have any ideas to add to my list?

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