I’m going to start a movement called Purple, and it will be all about using shit one time and then throwing it away.
We will champion the cause of the common man/woman who has a simple goal of putting his unwanted crap in a landfill. And we will reward him for doing it by building a park on top of that landfill for future generations to enjoy. We will charge you more for new furniture than for furniture made from “reclaimed” materials, because of course things that are new should cost more than things that are already used. We will force people to use disposable diapers because cloth diapers are nasty and why are you putting a pin–safety or otherwise–so close to your baby’s private parts when you don’t have to? We also will encourage people to remember that white is white, and not a brown dingy off-white color, and that things like laundry detergent are 1) supposed to be purchased in stores; and 2) smell good, like a fresh summer breeze in a chemical plant, so that you don’t have to actually smell the world around you. Because the world around you stinks.
And to make sure this movement really catches on, I’m going to recruit John McCain–because this will be a bipartisan movement, of course–I will get John McCain to make a video of himself pontificating on the fact that recycling is lame and mostly a waste of time. The video, “The Most Convenient of Truisms,” will feature John McCain reading a script that I’ve written for him where he talks about how most of the shit you do to recycle uses up more resources than it saves, and that we mostly just do this crap to make ourselves feel better, and that every couple of years there’s some new thing that tells you to switch whatever you were doing to a different way and then start all over again. And that every time you do this, this leads to even more wasted resources, and it’s all a bunch of trendy hullabaloo anyway.
Like this stupid display I saw at Starbucks yesterday. First of all, plastic swizzle sticks, Starbucks? You do know that we’ve heard of these before, right? Because you can call them “splash sticks” all you want, and put a little wave of coffee aroma on the top, but isn’t that just like putting lipstick on a plastic swizzle stick? You know who else has plastic swizzle sticks, Starbucks? Who has had them since I was–I don’t know–two years old, sitting on my grandmother’s knee while she chainsmoked? McDonald’s. That’s right: McDonald’s has plastic swizzle sticks. So congratulations. You’ve now copied McDonald’s and blamed it on us.
And this “feature” that these sticks are reusable? Yeah. I get that, but now you expect me to carry around a plastic swizzle stick for the whole rest of the day? Which the chance of me doing? Is less than zero. In fact, you know what I’m going to do, Starbucks? I’m going to take one of your splash sticks, use it, and then ceremoniously throw it away. Right in front of you. What are you doing to do about it? Call the green police on me? Do you honestly think that I’m any less likely to throw away this “splash stick” than I was the wooden stick you used to have? Guess again.